Rogue Trader - The Hos Dynasty
Interview with DURATION Magazine
We here at DURATION magazine recently discovered in our archives a filed report from ace reporter Rett Roper, dated shortly after the release of the widely read and poorly written : CoCaine: I can stop whenever I want, I just don’t want to.
It is the newest in the big title books with a wide readership but questionable writing skill. With recent book crazes of Magenta: The colour of the 50 the journey of a witless woman into nigh-heretical pleasure cults, or Midday the story of a love between a misunderstood Mutant and socially awkward yet universally attractive women.
As Midday spawned a loyal fanbase who call themselves the “Midiots” the “CoCaine” novels also have a strong fanbase who call themselves “Smackheads”. DURATION had the chance to interview the Author Zacharya Caine on the prestigious vessel “Imprugiatio Lumen” on one of his quote “few free moments away from crazy ass orgasmic awesomeness”. The reporter on the scene was DURATION veteran Rett Roper. Later in the interview we will be fielding questions sent in from our readers on Twatter.
Rett: So Mr Zacharya Caine – May I call you Zach?
Rett: Oh, well may I call you Caine?
Caine: Only Captain Hos and my crew call me Caine.
Rett: Well is there a way for me to be given a temporary crew status?
Caine: There is.
Rett: Well please could you extend me that privilege?
At this point reader things are fuzzy i remember waking up several feet away from Mr Caine on my back and the taste of blood in my mouth. When two people who I were informed are fellow crew members: a striking young woman named Aleena and a scruffy, shady character named Astor. They informed me that Mr Caine was considerate to the time constraints of the interview and was “soft” on me.
Caine: Welcome to the crew
Rett: Umm thank you Caine.
Caine: Mr Caine
Rett: I thought i was given temporary crew status?
Caine: Yeah, but you only have silver status. You need a minimum of Platinum status to call me Caine.
Rett: ….. Ok spare me the heightened status and lets start the interview now. So Zacharya Caine. Quite a mouthful for a name?
Caine: Thats what the ladies say, am I right?
At this point in the interview, Mr Caine and Mr. Astor reached fingers towards each other and made what could only be defined as some sort of piano-like movements with each others’ fingers-
It is worth noting that Caine directed this commented to the previously introduced Aleena, who noticably sighed and left the room.
Caine: Shes so into me.
Astor: Oh yes boss.
Rett: Moving on Mr Caine your book explain the title of your series “CoCaine”?
Caine: Yeah sure like the title came from like this ancient historical stimulant that made everyone feel awesome but was really dangerous, and I was like that’s so like me. Also any obscure historical little known thing makes yousound fancy and smart. And its me and the crew of Captain Hos, Maturinus, Eckhart and such so its like Caine and Co so “CoCaine”
Rett: So wouldn’t it be “Caine & Co”?
Caine: ….Look I didn’t come up with the title the marketing people did and they used words like “synergy” and “dynamism” on me so it works.
Rett: Well some of the views in your book how been quite controversial. Dor example you have said that “safeties” on guns are for quote “Cowards who don’t Carpe Diem it up, and are against the Emperor’s natural selection” as well as saying that “painkillers and antibiotics are for weaklings and Snotlings” which has offended many in the Snotling community. How do you respond to this?
Caine: Whatever, I say what I want. You can’t censor me, you don’t own me I’ma grown man who’s like 180 with this Throne-damned warp fuckery. I’m not part of your system. Haters gonna hate, and haters are motivators, so fuck the naysayers.
At this point Mr Caine paced quite frustrated and making a contribution to a large overflowing jar of Thrones and notes marked “Swear Jar” with smaller type beneath saying “Captain Hos retirement fund” with Caine mumbling something that mimicking an attractive sounding man admonishingly saying “No swearing on my ship” before sitting again.
Rett: Mr Caine it has been said that you often cry out “Zach Attack” before engaging in a skirmish?
Caine: ……Uh that is a rumour……sent out by haters.
Rett: Is it true -
Caine: It’s usually just a wordless shout that’s meant to echo with them to whatever Hell they’re going to after I punch their heart through their chest.
Rett: …Is it true that you have a company of soldiers under your command who wear and wield Xenos armour and weapons?
Caine: What is Xenos really? Sometimes I don’t understand someone they seem alien to me if they don’t understand this armour and weapons then sure it could be called
finger movements “Alien”. Doesn’t mean there wrong but does it mean there right i ask you? Uh Next question…..please
Rett: Uh ok Mr Caine what would you say gives you your can do and adventurous attitude?
Caine: And all around badassnessittude?
Caine: Well its like old pappy Caine used to say “Imma fuck you up!” And i guess that really stuck with me you know?
Rett: Lets maybe start the questions sent in from our readers on Twatter.
Rett: The first question is from “@Emperordenier666: Y0 C41N3 Wh4T5 Y0UR F4V0UR1T3 C0L0UR????” Not good start or question but to be expected from the Twatosphere.
Caine: Red…..Blood Red. Whatever colour the money is on the planet im working on. Caine likes to make it rain.
Rett: Next question is from “@EldarTree: How can you murder so many innocent xenos following the teachings of a fascist leader that is the Emperor?”
Caine: I don’t murder aliens I liberate them from their oppression. They just don’t know they are being liberated yet. Cause they don’t know what liberation feels like.
Rett: And finally from: “@Nurglefoot455: Mr Caine do you feel your book is an accurate representation of the current galactic climate of apathy, depression and hopelessness caused by constant war and death in our current times?” I’m as surprised as anyone at a truly thoughtful and deep question.
Caine: Well Nurglefoot in these undecided, dangerous and dark times in our galactic history. I like to think that i and this book are just a little bit of Serotonin zipping around the brain of this big old galaxy that we call home.
Caine: NAW! I’m just fucking with ya this book is a balls to the wall badass collection of adventures by me and my crew of sick motherfuckers. BUY MY BOOK BIATCHES! CAINE OUT!
Thats all we had time for with Mr Caine. Look out for Mr Caine’s first entry in his series CoCaine: I can stop whenever I want, I just don’t want to. Coming this Saturnalia. We also must inform all Twatter contributers that they are now under investigation by the Inquisition because of their Heretical names, may you find the Emperors light in your life as you embrace his warm embrace of cleansing flame. This has been Rett Roper from DURATION magazine.
“The Emperor Protects”
Along with his notes were pencilled in a follow-up interview with one “Eckhart”, but no notes from this interview has been found. Mr. Roper also has no memory of conducting this interview, although subsequent Medicae analysis did indicate he had a severely fractured jawbone from around this period. After much discussion, we have decided not to pursue this issue.